Mysteries and Manias

Yesterday I was wide awake at 6:45 am. I’m not a morning person and it was a Saturday, so this isn’t my desired routine. For some reason I began reading about Deleuze’s philosophies and came across the word immanence, which plays a central role in his thinking . It’s not as if I didn’t know what the definition was, but I realized I didn’t know what it really meant. The historical nature of the concept and the various ways it was defined and perceived were beyond me. I struck upon something profound that I wanted to know as a result. I started diving into the concept to figure it out, but was interrupted by having to leave the house and meet someone. I was now yanked out of a rabbit hole I was going down. It was one that I was thoroughly enjoying too. Now I had to change gears and keep myself from being annoyed by this and distracted while I was with someone.

I have a tendency to manically pursue things sometimes. This is especially true with abstract ideas that feel right around the corner of my understanding. Because they seem so close, I start chasing them harder. At any moment they will be mine and I will reach an epiphany, or a new level of knowledge. The world brings me back though with things like having to eat, pay bills, maintain relationships, etc. I fantasize about being able to disappear and eliminate every distraction. If I could do this I would be satisfied and the mysteries would start to fade. A remote cabin in the woods, or a country where no one can find me seem ideal and could get me to There. I don’t want to be gone forever, but only until I can wrap my head around It. I could finally pin down the ambiguities and elusiveness to life in this unrestricted environment.

What I’ve come to realize is my mentality towards my pursuits are somewhat off. A mystery isn’t there to be solved, but to participate in. It’s something that we’re supposed to help unveil along with others. It’s not a problem or equation. There is no final answer, because it always continues. And, it always continues, because life is always evolving. If I view everything as a finite game, I completely miss the point and my relationship to life becomes inherently contentious. This doesn’t mean that I can’t have moments of solitude and reflection, but I can’t allow myself to slip into solipsism either.

So, today I woke up with a hint of depression. Probably because I don’t have the momentum I did yesterday, or that I missed a possible transcendent instance. It’s ok though, because nothing has disappeared. All is not lost. It’s still waiting for me to pick up where I left off. It always will be and that’s why it’s something worth pursuing. Because of this, there’s actually nothing to worry about.